Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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