I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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