You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
