I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
