you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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