i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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