I could make wine with my vomit
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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