All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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