Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
