my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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