The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
