Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
