I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
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That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
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Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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