he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
