i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
