my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
