I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
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She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
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its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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