Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
