found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
