Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
