i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
