I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
