the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You made out with two different species that night
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
