so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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