whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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