don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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