i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
