I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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