Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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