The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
