I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
My ATM looks so different sober.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
