Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
