I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
