Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
