omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
