I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
