Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize