My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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