Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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