Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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