I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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