I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
