This is not my ceiling
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
