I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I want a musical about memes.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
