After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
