I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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