meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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