i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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