I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize