I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
