Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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