mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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