If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
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No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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