I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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