but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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