Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
