is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
