she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
