i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
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Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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