so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
