Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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