I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
two words: eviction party
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Come on in and take your pants off
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